Leaving Your Familiar Prison
There’s an old adage that goes, “A familiar prison is more comfortable than an unknown freedom.”
Truer words were ne’er spake.
Most of us have been in a familiar prison, in one form or another, for most of our lives without ever realizing it. And that prison is different for each of us. For some, it’s alcohol. For others, it’s gambling, drugs, sex, porn (yes, it’s different from sex), shopping, work, altruism, social media, body dysmorphia, self-help. The list goes on and on. You name it, somewhere out there it’s holding someone captive.
There’s a reason the self-help industry was estimated to be worth over 38 billion globally in 2022 and is estimated to be worth over 80 billion in less than 8 years. There are a whole lot of people waking up to the notion that something just ain’t right in their lives. And, like me, once they realize they’re in a familiar prison, they decide they want to leave it.
But here’s the thing about leaving your familiar prison: it doesn’t want you to.
Sure, you may get out of your cell for a bit. Maybe the warden will even let you walk the yard, see the sun, get some fresh air. But, at the end of the day, the warden wants you back in your cell. There’s a headcount that you weren’t aware of. And if that count is off by one, then all hell breaks loose. The searchlights fire up, the sirens blare, the hounds are released, and the guards are given orders to capture or kill.
That may seem hyperbolic, but in my experience, especially recently, that observation is, in fact, an understatement.
I’ve been aware of the “familiar prison” concept for years now. Decades, even. I even thought I knew what my familiar prison was. Boy was I wrong. I only saw the facade the warden allowed me to see. Even roamed the yard believing myself to be free. It was even a point of pride for me that I could quickly and easily see and assess what I believed other people’s prisons were. Left and right, I found myself outsmarting the warden.
As it turns out, the warden isn’t some dolt with a penchant for hooch, like in so many movies. He’s a Rhodes Scholar with a taste for human suffering. And he’s not in this for his own ego. He’ll let you believe yourself to be smarter, faster, and cleverer than him. He’ll knowingly smirk and chuckle as you plot, plan, and execute your schemes to leave the prison.
He knows the truth: the more ego you have, the stronger those bars become.
You don’t need the details, but I’ve been on a journey of healing over the past year. My wife, truly the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, has too. But that’s her story to tell. Suffice it to say, she’s been incredibly supportive, even instrumental, as I navigate the often-treacherous terrain that comes with such a journey. That journey had lifted the illusory fog that hid the true structure of my familiar prison. I could see it now. The whole thing. Not just what the warden allowed me to see. And it sucks.
After struggling with this new awareness that I’m in a familiar prison but not really doing anything to leave it, I had to wonder; Do I even want to leave this prison, or do I just want a cushier cell?
Read that last line again.
It’s a kick in the groin.
It’s worse when you realize you’re kicking yourself.
Honestly, is there a wrong choice?
The thing is, it’s ok regardless of what your answer is. Our modern existence makes it really, really, really easy to keep padding your cell. Making it desirable, even. Everyone remembers Cypher from the movie “The Matrix.” He knew that the steak he was eating, the wine he was drinking, and the clothes he was wearing were all illusions. But he didn’t care. He wanted back in. And he didn’t give a flying “F” what the cost was.
Well, after a year of healing, I had finally had enough. I found myself holding a picture of me, from my first day of school, telling that 3-year-old that I was done. Done with the familiar prison. I’d had it. I’ve got it from here and I’m going to fix it. For context, my life to that point hadn’t really been great, even at 3. And as I looked into the eyes of that child, I could tell, he knew it wasn’t going to get any better anytime soon. BTW, I started school early not because I was smart but because my parent’s hands were full elsewhere.
Me, at 3. First day of school.
“That’s it. I’m leaving this prison once and for all.”
As part of my healing, I envisioned myself stepping out of my cell and slamming the door behind me with the loudest crash possible, turning my back and walking away. But no sooner did I take my first step than I heard the familiar squeal of rusty hinges as the door slowly creaked open.
This led to my first realization: in this prison, the doors only lock from the inside. If you’re not in your cell, where you belong, that door stays open.
You can leave your cell and storm away. Walk for hours, days, weeks, years. But if you turn around to see how far you’ve gotten, you’ll see your cell is right there, beckoning.
That led to another realization: you may escape your cell, but you’re still in the prison.
As any great prison movie will show, breaking out of your cell is the relatively easy part. Escaping the prison? That’s another story. That’s when they release the hounds. And those little bastards have teeth.
But I really thought I had escaped free and clear. I had done the work and was actually surprised at how easy it was to leave the prison, once I was truly aware of its existence. I’d say I had a good week or so of feeling “I’d made it out. I’m free.” And then…
As it turns out, that f-ing Rhodes Scholar warden is clever, patient and resourceful. Over the course of thirty days, he threw everything at me that he could. A tsunami of financial, physical, relational, and existential crises. Look, everyone hits rough patches now and then. I’ve had my share. But for so much to go wrong, in such short succession, seemed beyond coincidence. Yet, that’s what was happening. It truly felt like there was a consciousness behind it. Like it was intentional, and I was being tested. And that prison, and my cell, were right there waiting. Door open. Beckoning. The more I refused to step back in, the more the warden threw at me.
In my exhaustion and anger, I wrote an expletive-laden letter to the universe telling it what it can do with itself because I was tired of it doing that to me. I’m done.
It was taking a toll. So much so that my therapist got concerned enough to start contacting me daily. I was so highly “dysregulated,” in his terms, that he was concerned about me self-harming or worse. Well, as far as self-harm goes, for me, that’s not really an option. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If the universe wants me gone it’s going to have to do the job itself. I’m not going to do it or make it easy. I’m also really, really, stubborn. That amazing wife I mentioned will back me up on this.
In the midst of so many realizations and emotional setbacks, my therapist asked, “What would you say to 3-year-old Chris right now?” My response, through tears, “I’m sorry. I thought I could do this. I thought I could break us out. I thought I could fix it. But I don’t know if I can. I’m failing.”
Enduring that month of challenges, I came to my turning point realization: fail-ing does not equal fail-ure.
Fail-ing includes missteps, setbacks and heartbreak.
Fail-ure is letting any one of those stop you.
Too many people had failed that 3-year-old little boy, as a child and over the decades to come, and “f” all if I was going to be another one. I’d been bullied a good portion of my childhood. I know how to take a punch. I can take a few more.
After this month of perceived punches and kicks, of fail after fail, I pictured myself, face down on the ground, eyes rolled back in my head, drooling blood into the dirt. Then, I inhale. I blink. I try to focus. I plant one fist on the ground, then the other, and I push myself up to my knees. I get one foot planted under me and clamber to my feet. I spit a mouthful of blood to the side, shake the dizziness out of my head, raise my fists, and square up.
Bring it.
And that’s when something somewhat miraculous happened. The fight was over. By no means had I won. Not by a long shot. Can’t say I landed or even threw a single punch. But I hadn’t lost, either. The fight, if you could even call it that, was just over.
I don’t know how or why but things started to lighten up after that.
It’s like the warden decided there are easier fugitives to hunt. With one whistle, the searchlights went out, the dogs retreated, the guards holstered their guns. The whole posse just went home. And, as he turned to walk away, the warden shot me this knowing smile, as if to say, “see ya soon.”
This led to a final realization: my cell is still there, light on, bed made, fresh towels, free Wi-Fi. Anytime I want back in, I need only say the word.
But I’m not going to.
I made that little boy a promise.
I’m sticking to it.
That unknown freedom is calling.
If you are going through a rough time, if you’ve decided to leave your familiar prison, please know that you are stronger than anything the universe can, and probably will, throw at you. Failing is how we learn how strong we are.
Things may beat the ever-living “f” out of you. But you got this. I’m not special. I don’t have any superpowers that you don’t. The fact that you’re reading this means you’ve got a 100% track record of surviving what life has put you through.
100%.
You may not win. But that doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
Remember, there’s a difference between fail-ING and fail-URE.
And if you’re not ready to leave your familiar prison, that’s okay too.
You got this.
I believe in you.
~ Chris
NOTE: If you’re struggling with something, or a lot of things, you don’t have to go it alone. I sure as hell didn’t. Here are some resources, available nationwide, that may be able to help. Most are free or low-cost. There may be more resources available in your local area.
Psychological Support
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Provides free and confidential support for people in distress, including suicide prevention and crisis support. Available 24/7 in the U.S.
Call: 988
988 Lifeline
At the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, we understand that life's challenges can sometimes be difficult. Whether you're…
Crisis Text Line
Offers free, 24/7 text support for people in crisis. Trained volunteers and crisis counselors provide support via text.
Text: Text “HELLO” to 741741
Home Page
Do you need help? Looking for free therapy alternatives? Text HOME to 741741. Crisis Text Line is a nonprofit…
SAMHSA’s National Helpline
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration offers free, confidential help for those dealing with mental health or substance abuse issues, available 24/7.
Call: 1–800–662-HELP (4357)
SAMHSA's National Helpline
SAMHSA's National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in…
Financial Support
United Way’s 211
A free service that connects people to financial support resources in their area, including housing, food, and healthcare.
Call: 211
Homepage
Get help paying bills, finding food, and locating other resources near you. Call 211 now for confidential help from a…
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB)
Provides a variety of resources and tools to help manage finances, debt relief, credit counseling, and other financial issues.
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau
The CFPB's vision is a consumer finance marketplace that works for American consumers, responsible providers, and the…
Feeding America
A nationwide network of food banks that provides meals to those facing food insecurity. The site also has a tool to locate local food banks.
U.S. Hunger Relief Organization | Feeding America
Feeding America is a nonprofit network of 200 food banks leading the fight against hunger in the United States. Learn…
Career Support
CareerOneStop (Sponsored by the U.S. Department of Labor)
Provides career exploration, job search resources, resume help, and training programs. Designed to support job seekers, students, veterans, and those in career transition.
Goodwill Career Centers
Offers job training, employment placement services, and career support for free or at a low cost. Services may vary by location.
https://www.goodwill.org/job-training-and-employment/
American Job Centers
Provides career counseling, skills assessments, and workshops at no cost. Located across the U.S., these centers are open to anyone seeking career support.
https://www.careeronestop.org/LocalHelp/AmericanJobCenters/find-american-job-centers.aspx
Relationship Support
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Offers 24/7 support, resources, and safety planning for those experiencing domestic violence. Services are confidential and free.
Call: 1–800–799-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and…
Relate Counseling (via 7 Cups)
Provides free, anonymous online chat and counseling with trained listeners to support those struggling with relationships or interpersonal issues.
7 Cups - Free Care & Therapy
Whether you're looking for a therapist or just someone to talk to right now during some difficult times, 7 Cups is a…
Family and Community Resource Centers (through 211)
Connects users to local family resource centers that offer counseling, support groups, and parenting classes.
Call: 211